CAP Reviews: Across the Universe (The Movie) = SUPER LAME!
I’m an hour in on this debacle of trash trying to pass itself off as an artistic interpretation of the greatest music to ever see the light of day and I want to kick Julie Taymor in the nuts. Not only do I want to kick her in the nuts, I’m starting to wonder if I really enjoyed Frida as well. I thought I remembered having some nice thoughts about Salma Hayek’s “passion project” but maybe I was hypnotized by her badass monobrow.
“Ju know ju want me, mang!”
Back to this disgraceful piece of crap.
Here’s the deal: the fault wholly and solely lies in Julie Taymor for allowing herself to convince herself that she has any clue about anything as it pertains to The Beatles.
I’m sure on paper (and in her crazy mind) it sounded great.
I got it. I got it! It’ll be a period film set in the 60’s built around the music of The Beatles! And we’ll put some pretty faces to play characters whose names are actually in Beatles songs! It’s just simply a no brainer! Ooh, Ooh! Plus! It’s set during a revolutionary time where there’s a war nobody wants and where the disenchanted youth of America seem to really care about what’s really important (love, meaning of life, goodness, happiness, sour cream & salsa pork rinds, etc.) So? So, it’s like we’re kinda talking about the present times… but indirectly! Oh my goodness, I’m getting wet! This is exactly the kind of film I’ve always wanted to make! The kind masterpiece movie that has so many different levels! This is genius! This is fantabulous! This… THIS IS: ACROSS THE UNIVERSE!! OH MAN! OH Man! Oh man! Oh man. oh… man… Say, how’d that liquid puddle get there under me?
First off, yes us Angelenos use terms like “fantabulous”. It’s cool. End of story.
More importantly, you don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken. Not only that, you don’t try to add, take away, reimagine, reinterpret, upgrade, modernize, bring to a whole new generation and you SURE AS HECK DON’T DO ANYTHING TO THE MUSIC OR LEGACY OF THE BLEEDING BEATLES!
Unless your name is Paul, John, George, the other George and occasionally Ringo, don’t touch the music or try to do anyone any favors. Even Yoko knew that simple rule.
True, there are a very VERY few select people outside of the above mentioned who have been known to pull off the near impossible. This is one example.
This douche actually pulled off another rare exception.
“Go with yourself. Go with yourself.”
But these are extremely rare exceptions and downright flukes. The fact is most artists really can’t improve or even touch The Beatles work. That’s like trying to improve the wheel. At best they might hover around the ballpark, but even then it’s like, “Great. Good for you. Nicely done. Still prefer the originals. And you really suck dirty, old vagabond testicles for attempting it.”
But Julie Taymor didn’t even get to the respectable “vagabond testicle tasting” ballpark. Not only was she not allowed to come near the ballpark, she was told that the game was being played somewhere else. Far, far away from the place where the actual game was being played.
(Shit, I don’t think that that diss was communicated properly.)
The point is: no one likes Julie Taymor enough to invite her anywhere. She’s a tool who forever contributed in soiling and sullying up some great art and in the process forever made America a little weaker for, among many other things, inferior filmmaking (Really? Was this underwater sequence really something you thought was cool?
Like this was something so original and artisically fulfilling? Like beyond anything any number of lovesick high school dumbass, outcast, artist wannabes hadn’t come up with before? Or maybe a cheesy eau de toilette ad from the 80’s? Or even…
Hey, I don’t fancy myself as the next Scorsese but chances are that if I was making a movie and I find out Ben Stiller used the same shot idea as the one I had in my shot list, and HE ACTUALLY DID A BETTER JOB… I WOULDN’T USE IT! YOU HACK DOUCHE OF A FILMMAKER!
I don’t blame the actors. They need the work to stay relevant. And at the end of the day, films are generally the director’s medium just like theatre is a writer’s medium, just like TV is the advertiser’s medium, just like Patricia Arquette plays some psychic cop on NBC’s Medium.
(Pause for groans)
“But dude, the music from ‘Across the Universe’ is great! It’s been on the top ten list on Amazon and iTunes for like a year! You’re the douche cause you don’t like the movie or the reimagined versions of the classic Beatles’ music. F-U!”
Ya know what? Hannah Montana’s music was also on the iTunes top ten list forever now.
“Oh now you have something against Hannah Montana? That just proves you don’t know anything about music! It just proves it, man!”
Eat a dick, dude. Eat a dick. And then:
“Go with yourself. Go with yourself.”
Now where was I?
Screw it. I’m over it already. Don’t waste your time on “Across the Universe”.
And personally, I’m going to exercise my right as an opinionated consumer to not watch Julie Taymor’s next film no matter what the subject.
Unless it has Salma Hayek sporting another monobrow. Then all bets are off.
“Ju know ju want me, mang!”
I’m just a man!
I’m just a man.
You know what? I take it back. Using “fantabulous” is kinda lame too. I’m gonna try to stop.
cap
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